How do you apologise for not loving someone back?

 You walk me home every time I'm lost,

You let me pull you in and shut you out

whenever I want.

You don't speak much,

But I know when I speak,

You feel overwhelmed with words.

​

I bruised my knuckles and told you to run,

Told you I'm far from being human,

a godforsaken disaster.

But you look at me like I'm just a girl.

I laugh every time you call me pretty, but

Oh, how I wish I could be the same me that you see.

​

It's not you, it's my incapacity

Not to accept the sweet, simple thing

When it's right there in front of me.

Your mistake is not to fall in love

but to fall in love with me.

           

Believe me, I know what it's like to be in your shoes,

Though I've never been as clean as you.

You would want me dead if you knew

The places I've been and the people I've lied to.

Maybe that's why I keep turning back to you

When I can't stand the mirror,

It feels consoling to be admired and adored,

To be someone worth loving,

For a while, even it is play-pretend.

​

I didn't think it would matter to me,

But now I shiver when I think about

The morning you would wake up and realise

I've never been worth the wait.

Maybe you would curse yourself,

Maybe you would just think it was silly,

But I would love the next moment

When you would shake off the trance and

find another girl who would love your smile,

the same way you loved mine.

Because your heart has always been purer than the rest,

The worst of you is better than my best.

Because for all your songs and flowers and wasted time,

The least you deserved was a love unrequited.

I know you would stay in this tragedy

Of loving and leaving empty handed

For as long as I let you,

But I hope you would leave before you hate it.

​

​

[I had a vision, we would bump into each other.

Somewhere, ten years later, you would have kids and a wife

But I would still be the love of your life,

And I would still be as lost as I am now.]

[Checkmate]

I didn't realise you never uttered the three words 

Only confessed in your songs and letters,

Until you sank into my arms and choked them out

Helpless and stranded, like they had withered away

Waiting, on the tip of your tongue, to be let out.

If I were you, I would've resented even knowing me.

let alone falling in love with, 

But you forgave every blunder of mine

As if they were as simple as missed calls,

unanswered texts or barely a slip of tongue.

Whatever we had left, I ruined it with the truth.

I almost wish I hadn't taken you to the lakes

Just to turn your world upside down,

But I owed you my honesty, for once

to compensate for feeding you lies after lies for months.

You know my brightest smile and my darkest flaw

and the grey area in between

Yet I couldn't offer you my best traits

and it haunts me.

If I could be loved like you love me

and still ruin everything and leave,

Would I ever love someone enough to stay?

Maybe I only loved you back when it was too late,

Maybe I wanted you to stay only when you were finally leaving

Maybe I only truly missed you when you already boarded your plane.

(Or maybe I never learnt to love anyone the right way,

Maybe it's only unrequited devotion or passive detachment I know,

and when love waits knocking on my door

I lock the door and draw the bolts and say no one's home.)

One last day like the good old days,

The effortless ease, the sweet company

One last match before we part our ways and end our story,

The hopeless admirer and the ingénue,

Your shy compliments and my shameless remarks,

Checkmate.

Fourth of July

our last match, i could've won

with your resignment,

but i wanted to lose to you

       for once, it felt sweeter than victory.

skipping over puddles, walking in the rain

pull me off the ground,

pull you away from the street,

it was all excuse for our hands to meet.

(flowers, flowers, flowers

why did i never cared to buy you one?

can we restart?

i'll buy you ten for every one of yours, i promise.)

​

i watched you the entire time on our way home,

glass doors between us, you didn't notice

i was right next to you.

i saw you smile at my texts,

and i wished the train would never stop.

roles switched, i walked you home

an aimless turn around the block,

a few more minutes?

your trembling fingers locked with mine,

we could've been good

if we hadn't met in the middle of a forest fire,

you cried and i didn't know how to fix

everything i ruined with my own hands.

three years would steal everything we had,

three years would change everything.

one perfect morning is not nearly enough

to make up for even a quarter of our mess together,

but i beg, please remember only the best of me

or curse me for my worst till your last breath,

i don't know what's worse for me.

i fell asleep with your shirt clutched tight

i felt a piece of myself crumble and float away

when the clock struck eleven,

i wish i could run to the airport

to see you just once again,

i wish i loved you enough to make it work

but i could only hold you close enough

to whisper i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry

i'm sorry.

your shirt // the last time

have you ever held

every tragedy of your life,

every flaw in your code,

every single one of your wretched sins

in the palm of your hands

and felt them shudder

and pierce your skin like daggers?

that's what it was,

holding you for the last time.

the first time

it simply broke me to break you,

but the last time

it was mutually assured destruction.

so much for "don't mention it's the last day."

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven

get out, i can't leave before you leave first, get out

orpheus turned around for eurydice,

so did you, so did i

but eurydice has to be the one

to watch orpheus leave,

or this would never end,

for once, let me be the one to stay,

leave.

one, two, three, four, five

the sound of your feet,

i opened my eyes

i was alone.

the last gift

was the best thing you ever gave me,

it smells like you,

it smells like the last hug.

hiding away in the staircase,

whether it was you or me

crying, or who let go first

doesn't matter.

i can still pretend

you're here,

and i'm still apologising,

i never realised i would miss you this much.

Are you willing to die again?

I can't promise you a single thing.

I know myself,

      I know I will leave again.

But the universe keeps looping us back together.

So all I am asking is,

Are you willing to die, one last time?

Because right this second,

I want to try whatever it takes to fly to you,

Just to show up at your doorstep and surprise you,

Just to give us another chance

In a different city, in a different life.

Because right this second,

I want to call you every night before you go to bed

Just to know how your day was,

Just to hear your voice.

Because right this second,

I want to write you a hundred letters

and make you a playlist,

and send you my favourite t-shirt

with my scent all over it,

Just so you can fall asleep with a piece of me,

The way I've been sleeping with your shirt every night.

Because right this second,

I want to wait for as long as it takes

For you to come home to me,

Just so I can kiss you and shut you up,

Just so I can beg you to let us start over.

Because right this second,

I'm scared to ask the question,

Because this time your heart wouldn't be the only one

to break, if we break again

Because right this second, I love you back

but I can't promise you

that I'll wake up tomorrow morning

and feel the same way.

So all I am asking is

               Are you willing to die again?

Fentanyl

You don't wanna leave yet.

You want me to be utterly, completely honest.

Fucking have me then.

You want all my highs and lows,

The good, the bad and the ugly.

Then take it as it is, all of me.

You signed up for a goddamn rollercoaster ride.

I'd draw you in and wrap you tightly around my fingers,

I'd choke you until my name is the only thing

you can taste on your tongue,

Until I am, now and forever, the only fucking thing on your mind.

Until you're cursing yourself for walking into the crossfire

With your arms wide open, with your heart in your hands,

Until you're drunk on resentment

For letting me have the power to pull you into this death trap

While wondering why something so lethal

Must feel so unfairly, poetically romantic.

I'd shut you out and blame it on the weather

and dance in the rain while you get swept away in the storm,

I'd set you on fire and watch you burn, just to keep my feet warm.

I'd bleed you dry and tear you apart

And in the end, it would all be for nothing, nothing nothing.

You say you've learnt to swim now.

But would you really survive my tide?

You'd love me till your lungs are filled with water

But hey, look at me,

I'm drowning too.

"Coward"

What else could I do?

Every time before​​, I had the courage to blurt out the harshest of words,

the best of lies and the worst of truths, without flinching.

I had the courage to sit and watch you crumble into pieces

Right before my eyes, without lifting a finger to put you back together.

Every time before, it was easier to be brave

Because only this time, I loved you.

I thought you were already asleep

with the echo of a smile still imprinted on your lips.

I thought I could offer just a few more hours of peace

Before you wake up to a life without me.

I didn't have the courage to loosen the words from my tongue,

I couldn't say it, I chose the coward's way out, like I always do.

This is the last time I'd hear you laugh

This is the last time I'd watch the sunset from the rooftop

with you on the other side.

I didn't have the courage to utter the words

and hear the damning silence from your side.

I wouldn't be here tomorrow morning,

You would come home with your wish

only to find your prophetic nightmare turned into reality,

Read between the lines, I don't have the courage

How did you not hear my breath catching

every time I told you I love you?

The high of the smoke made you brave,

What if this is your last day with me?

One, two, three chances.

Astronomy, because you didn't want to think of an answer.

Astronomy, because if we were an eclipse,

I only ever stole the light from your world,

Astronomy, because if I were your sun,

I only ever turned you into dust with the scorching heat,

If you were the moon, the ebb and flow of our tide were all your work

While I only ever caused our streams to dry out and die.

Astronomy, because we only ever align as rarely as eclipses occur.

Or maybe it was never in our stars,

Because the Sun and the Moon are light years apart,

Yet they let the gravitational pull tie them together to the same solar system,

And I couldn't even love you across nine thousand kilometres.

Coward.

Yes, I am.

I am only ever brave when I am a liar,

I didn't, couldn't tell you the truth.

Love stole every bit of courage from my heart.

সত্যি

হঠাৎ আবার হারিয়ে গেলে

ভেবে নিও নিছক স্বপ্ন ছিলাম।

বাড়ি ছেড়ে হাজার হাজার কিলোমিটার দূরে,

অচেনা শহরে, অচেনা মুখের ভিড়ে

দেশের মাটিতে ফেলে আসা কোন এক পিছুটান,

কোন এক দীর্ঘশ্বাস ছিলাম।

কুয়াশার আড়ালে, কনকনে শীতের আরেক প্রান্তে

চাদর মোড়ানো এক চিলতে রোদ।

সারাদিনের ক্লান্তির শেষে, অবিশ্রান্ত পড়াশোনার ফাঁকে

মন ভোলানো এক সুর, বা মনগড়া কোন গল্প।

এক টুকরো অভিমান, একমুঠো হাসি

আর এক আকাশ সমান মায়া,

নিতান্তই এক রূপকথা ছিলাম।

একরত্তি প্রশান্তির আশায় সৃষ্ট আবস্তব কল্পনা ছিলাম। 

কখনো ভালবাসনি, কখনো ছুঁয়ে দেখনি

কখনো নিজের করে পাওয়া হয়নি,

কখনো বারবার ভুলের স্রোতে আমাকে হারাওনি।

হঠাৎ হাত বাড়িয়ে আমায় খুঁজে না পেলে

ভেবে নিও মিথ্যা ছিলাম।

হয় সত্যি হব, অপেক্ষা শেষে ফিরে এসে

দেখবে এখনো আছি, তোমার কাছে

নয়তো মেঘের ভাঁজে, বৃষ্টির ফোটায় মিশে

স্পর্শের বাইরে নতুন এক রহস্য হয়ে হারিয়ে যাব।

হঠাৎ কোন এক অন্ধকার সকালে,

চোখ মেলে আমায় আর না দেখতে পেলে

ভেবে নিও স্বপ্ন ছিলাম,

কিন্তু তোমার ছিলাম।

Claw Machine

Are you giving fate a chance or playing Russian roulette with luck?

How many times can you get it all wrong until you crack the code?

How many times can you miss until your hands are sore?

How many times can you lose until your pockets are empty?

How many times can you try until you break the goddamn machine?

The only prize worth winning is caged behind the glass walls,

Never out of sight but always at an arm's length, always out of reach.

You're as persistent as a kid with Christmas money,

You're as lucky as a losing gambler who is left with his last penny.

You only hear the sound of coins falling fast within the void of the slot

All the love that you give, where does it go?

Every time you're foolish enough to think you finally have her in your hands,

She slips out of your grasp and falls further to hide in distant corners.

Maybe it's the machine that is designed with a defect,

Or maybe it's the trophy you want to take home that is sculpted wrong,

Have you learnt nothing from the players before you?

It's a losing game, schemed to rob you down to your last shreds of hope

There is no victory, no reward, no secret strategy to win.

Take your hands off the controller, turn around, walk away

Save your last dime, save yourself, go home.

Antidepressants

I remember when I used to knock myself out with those white little devils,

Nearly identical to the feeling of being underwater,

When every sensation, every emotion, every sentiment is toned down,

When every sound is muffled, and every beam of light is dim.

The highs were only the absence of lows,

The lows were only the stabilisation of extremities.

At the wake of every happy pill, there was always the numb apathy.

Just a safety net keeping you from falling to the lower lows,

Just a margin confining you from shooting towards the higher highs.

I hated them, only took them because I didn't know any other way

To deal with the ferocity of my volatile mind and its whims,

Because they were prescribed, and I was compelled to follow,

Because I owed them for being a solution, to some extent

After suffering for so long, despite knowing I would be better off.

Sometimes, they worked wonders when they were taken in handfuls

Sometimes, they caused disasters, while tranquillising the damage

and saying “It could be worse” in your head, in circles.

Nevertheless, they lulled me to sleep, yet kept me wide awake.

They drowned the voices, only to make louder ones float over the waves.

I chased the kick of anaesthesia, just to escape the aching,

Only because I didn't know where else to look for a piece of peace.

I was your fentanyl, your hallucinogenic, your favourite drug

But loving you felt like overdosing on antidepressants.

...

Are you wise enough to hate me yet?​