Pluto to your Sun

You weren't supposed to be a part of the equation.

One conversation, a few accidental confessions

and suddenly you were everywhere.

Filthy secrets and guilty pleasures

An endless tirade of questions,

It was as cool as a walk in the park

Until my beast of a heart dragged itself out of the mud

and sank its teeth deep into it.

You belong between the pages of a book,

Not in the wreckage of my story.

It was a delirious mistake, and a dangerous one, too

To delude myself into believing

I would ever fit between those pages with you.

Everyone thinks Heather is the perfect shade for you,

And I agree.

But no one heard about the blue sky that turned pale

As a casualty of your curiosity.

Here I am, at a safe distance

A messy palette of bleeding colours

I would've poured it all to you, if only you had let me

If only you had wanted me to.

They all revolve around you,

Like planets in your orbit

Feeding off the heat of your gaze.

I am as infinitesimal as ever, light hours away,

The Pluto to your Sun.

[untitled]

You wonder if I am envious,

But how could I be?

She is a painting framed in gold,

I am a doodle at the corner of your page

You drew when you were bored.

You won the huge teddy bear in the carnival

The winner's trophy, with big doe eyes

While I am collecting dust at the top shelf

Forgotten, the consolation prize.

She is the main course, a five-star michelin,

I am the dessert you refuse

Because you have had your fill.

She is a summer trip, the big score

I am only one of your midnight detours.

God forbid I envy when you admire the moon,

I am only a pebble on the street

You skip around with your feet,

You could lose one and find another,

Too easy, too soon.

মায়া

 মায়া জিনিসটা খুব অদ্ভুত।

বাসার বহুদিন পুরনো আসবাবপত্রের উপর

কখনো কখনো মায়া জন্মে যায়,

প্রয়োজন না হলেও, ফেলতে চাইলেও ফেলা যায় না।

পুরনো জামা, খেলনা, ছবির উপর মানুষের মায়া জন্মে যায়,

খুব আহামরি কিছু না হলেও,

আলমারির এক কোণায় তুলে রাখা হয়।

খুব মনে পড়লে মাঝে মাঝে বের করে

ঠোঁটের কোণায় এক টুকরো হাসি নিয়ে

একবার হাত বুলিয়ে দেখা হয়।

বাড়ির নিচে রাস্তার কুকুর বেড়ালের উপরও মায়া জন্মে যায়।

ভালবাসা না, করুণা ও না,

কোন এক টানে বার বার ফিরে যাওয়া হয় সেই মায়ার কাছে।

আবার হঠাৎ কোন এক সকালে

নিজের অজান্তেই সেই মায়া কেটে যায়,

ঘরের এক কিনারে পড়ে ধুলোয় মাখামাখি খায়,

তারপর কবে চোখের আড়ালে হারিয়ে যায় সেই মায়া,

খুঁজেই দেখা হয় না।

From Pluto to Venus

I look in the mirror

and I only see all the ways we are different.

I pinch my skin

and only feel how it doesn't feel like yours.

There are days when I think I might be enough,

But for you, it must be everyday.

Your eyes, your hands, the slope of your chin

All the curves 

where the seams seem to meet just perfectly,

I've memorised you just to forget myself,

I've learned you with abhorrence

Just to unlearn everything I loved in me.

I admit I am a little blinded

By my bruised, biased sentiments

I think I see your flaws before I see you,

Maybe, in another life,

I wouldn't have minded being your friend

Maybe, I would've fallen for you too.

I am sick to my guts

From the resentment I have hoarded

Over time because of you,

Yet I can't bring myself to hate you with sincerity.

Nursing any grudge against you

Only makes me loathe myself

For being so miserable and petty.

I can't blame you for all that I am not,

I can't blame you for the mess I've dug my teeth into.

You're far from being a saint

Yet you are far better than the best of my crimes.

I can't find a single reason to despise you,

But I can't help how insufficient you make me feel,

You're a loud reminder of every war I lost with myself.

Partner In Crime

I would trust you

with my eyes closed, hands tied

Hanging off the edge of a cliff.

But it's terrifying how easily

you let your lies smooth your ways.

A criminal mastermind

who deserves more credit

For all his schemings and counterfeit words.

Perhaps, one day, I would find myself

Not as your partner in crime or an alibi

But as a victim of one of your deceptions, too.

I've been your bravest soldier, risking all I have

Just to keep you safe and undefeated.

I guess all of me is a small price to pay

To save you and your affairs.

[Midnight Detour]

Oh, it's you again, come in.

Make yourself at home,

Moral compass just left.

Would you like something to drink?

No, you're just stopping by to take a breath.

Of course, whatever you need.

How was your day? Are you okay?

Things have been rough,

You've been trying your best to keep it stable.

You don't have to fix everything, you know?

It's not all your fault.

I wish I could be of some help.

It's okay, you'll make it through.

Thanks for listening.

It's raining outside, do you want to stay over?

I have my heart to keep you warm.

It's alright, I can keep it to myself

She is waiting for you back home.

Oh, stay for a little while more?

I would plead on my knees if you want me to.

Sure, you have some time to spare.

I'll try to make it worth it.

If it's all you ask for, it's all I would give.

You don't want me to hurt.

Go on, keep going, I've been hurting anyways.

Am I enough? Are you mine?

For the night.

I'm yours, forever then. To use and abuse.

You're only like this with me.

You hate yourself for it, but you like it quite a bit.

Don't, I have lived too long as a sin.

For once, just make me yours?

Don't pull away, don't shut me out, I'm sorry.

I won't ask for too much again. Please, stay?

You're sorry, you can't.

She is waiting for you back Home.

Oh, okay. You know I'll always be here.

I hope you get Home safe.

"something is always fucked up when it involves you and me"

i've been a mess, old news.

not a word from you in days,

   i don't know if i should be the one

   to reach across the silence or let time erase what's left.

   (is it easy for you to shut me out?)

   is it you coming clean?

   i could feel you fading even when you were here.

   typical of me to write an entire song out of a single line

   but i think i really pushed it too far this time.

   (is this how it ends? out like a light?)

if it's the blackout,

   better to cut all the strings than to leave it hanging.

   if it's over, better to let go of your end of the rope

   than to let the noose tighten around my neck.

   (or did you do it already and i'm too blue to notice?)

   (am i overthinking all of it?)

really tried hating you for a while,

   left a taste in my mouth too bitter,

   it faded down with the high as soon as i was sober.

   i'll be fine once i purge all the words out,

   i'll be fine in a month or twelve,

   if we don't seal the exit now,

   would we stay in this limbo forever?

 

i'm dreading to ask you for an honest conversation,

   i'm afraid it would be the last one we would have.

   i'm afraid i would ask if it's better we call it quits

   and you would say yes without reconsidering it.

   i'm afraid i would leave with a stupid hope

   that you would reach out again

   when we would be under better circumstances

   but you would only hang up and sigh with relief.

was it all a waste?

   before we made such a mess of it,

   all the stories we shared and secrets we confessed

   when our existence in each other's orbit

   was harmless and not fatal,

was it all worth so little, to let us die like this?

You said you needed a friend,

We promised we wouldn't fall back

Into that twisted loop again.

But look at me, look at you

Reaching for another fix

Sweet, vile, tortuous little thrill.

Pull me close, take a step back

My hands are tied, I can't risk

Losing sight of my boundaries.

You don't love me back,

But this game is one hell of a drug.

So I promise to stay in my line

and swallow up the questions

whose answers would hurt.

You can get me off your mind

as soon as you get off,

But when my fingers are soaked

And my tongue is tied around your name,

I fuck you with my whole heart.

-We are arrant knaves, all. Believe none of us-

Speaking from the theatres, the stage is on fire

The curtains would be pulled down soon enough,

What a relief.

It was one hell of a show, worth the damn Oscars.

The critiques would have had a rough time

Choosing the best actor.

A Lucifer and a Siren in the lead,

A set of deranged idiots in the cast.

The writer must have been swimming in alcohol

When he wrote the script.

The first antagonist, the lover obsessed

Wrecked a havoc, left the stage in a bloody mess.

The foolish friend, the maniac in disguise

Sickening, how he was blind to his own flaws

Inevitable, how he was discarded and despised.

The hopeless admirer in the background,

Whose only mistake was to fall for the supporting actress

The inģenue, soft and misunderstood, as he thought

The fraud, destructive and miscalculated, as she was.

The Lucifer and the Siren were the artists of a lovely disaster

The audience admired the romance with envy,

Only the actors knew about the thorns and daggers

They hid under their costumes.

Both were sick with poison,

But at least they offered their best performances

To make it till the end of the show.

Oh, but the greatest act was the one

Orchestrated in the corners of the backstage,

The supporting actress and her accomplice,

The sinner and his secret,

Improvised the scandal in the dead of night

And returned under the spotlights,

Carrying on with their roles

As if it's only real if it's staged for show.

The plot is long lost,

Lucky if anyone still remembers

Where the virtues started and the vices ended.

All I can say is that the supporting actress

is glad to leave the stage,

It has been a shitshow anyways.

Standing at the exit

​

I've been packing my bags and walking on tiptoes,

Trying my best not to wake you up

I've been counting days and sitting on last words,

I found the loophole in the story but

can't find the courage to put the full stop.

Stole every small moment with one word at their wake,

At the back of my mind, "Leave, leave, leave"

Asked you not to disappear when I knew I wouldn't stay.

Waiting to see if it's just another of those phases

But maybe, for this once, I might oblige.

It's only a matter of time,

One sudden morning you would open your eyes

and I wouldn't be here on the other side.

It's only a habit, it would wear off as easily as cheap perfume,

You'd miss me but you would be just fine.

I would skip through towns with a bullet hole

and carry the scar within my bones for a lifetime,

But I'm bleeding just the same here anyways.

I thought you were helping me get out of my skin,

But I'm starting to think I'm only getting too lost inside my head.

Play along to your whims when the timing is right

Mind my tongue the next day and be the friend you need,

All of it has started to look more like a pattern

and less like what makes you worth it.

I had more conversations with God about you

Than I had with my friends,

But I wouldn't dare to start another losing war with fate.

I have my fill from the leftovers of your attention

after she's filled to the brim.

Breadcrumbs of your affection which often feels like a transaction,

the only appreciated asset are inches of bare skin.

We could've been something beautiful in another life,

But I think I would rather love and be loved without being touched

Than strip down for the hell of it and go to bed with a starving heart.

I should be good at this same old dance of loving and leaving by now.

I've been standing still by the exit for a while,

Wishing you didn't make me smile so often

with the space you take up with our words everyday,

A bruise that felt like a salve after every happy hour.

I knew it from the start, I see it even more clearly now

It would hurt when it would end.

If the ending is inevitable, better to pull the curtains down

Before everything turns to ashes and flows away with the wind.

Z

Years later, we would probably be lost in two separate worlds

The pages filled with your name would be buried under layers of dust,

My name would be tucked away at some faraway corner in your mind.

We would be nothing more than a stitch in time,

A bump on the road that altered our trajectory for life.

Years later, someone would read one of my poems

and ask, "Who was the muse behind this piece?"

I would smile and shrug like it's nothing. "No one."

"Just someone I knew."

I never got to learn how you were as a kid,

How you look when you open your eyes in the morning,

Or how your skin might feel against mine.

I stopped our clock before I could even learn to speak

without stumbling over my words around you.

Moments and hours and months worth of conversations

All wrapped up in three hundred and ninety five days,

Yet it felt like a whole lifetime of knowing and not knowing.

I wanted to stick around and wish you a thousand more 'Good morning's

I wanted to stay and start new years, new lives with you.

But you'd only be a better man when the sin would purge itself out of your veins,

I couldn't be the only wrong variable in your equation.

Nearly strangers when we're in the same room,

But your presence mattered more than you'd ever know.

You knew nearly every nook and corner of my mind

You were the only one who could see beyond the surface

I could turn and find you on the other side every hour,

Now our days stumble into nights, empires rise and fall

and we know nothing of each other's lives.

I had been bracing myself for the aftermath of leaving

But I wasn't ready to deal with the weight of your absence.

Missing you feels like a gaping hole on the wall I can't look away from,

Like walking into a dark room and reaching for the light switch

that you know has always been there, but only coming up with air.

Like a throbbing headache that ruins even the best of days.

I sent an honest prayer to the stars when I left

Wished for Her to be kinder to you, so you can breathe a little easier.

Sometimes I swear I could recognise your heart better than my own,

I just wish I could know for sure if you wanted me simply as a friend,

A whore to your convenience, or something more.

If only there was peace around us,

Maybe it would've been you and me, maybe it would've been us.

Maybe we could've been something worth saving.

If I could go back in time, I would erase us

Just so we could meet again for the first time in another timeline

Three months or three years from now,

Somewhere it wouldn't hurt to fall in love.

Sincerely, your ex-whore

I wish you came to see me more often in my dreams,                 

Where the illusion is kinder than reality

and you're blurred around the sharp, jagged edges,             

where you are gentle to the point of being cruel,   

because sometimes you apologise until it's all alright,

sometimes you love me back until the morning steals you away,     

sometimes you're just the man I had thought you were when we first met.     

But most nights, when you're there,

I watch you from the sidelines                         

While you waltz around my town with her in your arms   

So I guess it's written in the stars.

I wonder if you miss me at the end of every day

                              or only when you have an hour to spare

and can't find anything entertaining enough to fill your vacancies,

      or maybe you just miss me when you feel guilty.

Maybe now that I'm gone, you have more time to spend

                                                       on someone else who always deserved it first.

          I heard she has been doing better,

Maybe now that I'm gone, you're mending all the cracks

                                                   and filling up the gaps

                                                              and making up for all your lies

            and morphing into someone I wouldn't recognise.

"You're too precious of a sacrifice to make for a cause so petty."

But now I think I was the perfect sacrifice to make

         for you to fix the loophole in your story and set everything right.

Still, I wonder if you miss me when a little piece of peace feels scarce

and your patience is running thin and you miss your truth?                           

                               Do you ever miss who you used to be on your own?

It's easy for you to miss me, however you might do so.

                                Easy for you to miss your guilty little pleasure,

                   with the love of your life in your arms.

                                                          like missing an extra serving of dessert

                                     when you're sated after a three course meal,

Easy to miss the alternative

                        But for me, there was only you.

The honest truth is that I would've loved you just the same

             even if you hadn't offered me the parts of you

                                 that trespassed on the boundaries of our friendship,

even if you had treasured me simply as a confidant and nothing more,

But the honest truth is that you never would've wanted me

                                                                                 if I hadn't been your whore.

Twenty Five Years Later

Time erases, time heals, time forgets, time forgives

But would you be able to forgive yourself twenty five years later

when you'd watch your daughter grow up and fall in love?

When you'd catch her eyes filled with tears in the middle of a night

and she'd tell you about a guy who lied,

or maybe just a guy who never loved her right,

when you'd hold her head against your chest

and promise her there are better men,

would you be able to forgive yourself then

knowing you were once the very same

           kind of monster you warned your daughter against?

Twenty five years later, when you'd have buried your crimes

and you'd call her your wife and kiss her goodnight,

when she'd smile and say she hopes your daughter

finds a man exactly like her father,

Would you think you're right where you wanted to be, with her?

or would you fear her wish coming true?

Twenty five years later, when you'd have me long erased from your life

and it's all up to you to forgive yourself, would you?

"Your memory is deadly"

"and it scares me"

You had a thief in your hands.

You never noticed, but I hoarded little details 

like a crow hoarding trinkets,

You could tie my hands behind my back

and keep me from knowing how it feels to touch your skin

but you can never take back what i stole with my own eyes.

​

The earthquakes you hid behind your ever so calm eyes,

the tired set of your shoulders after a long night,

I hear a joke and think of how your face used to split

with the biggest laughs,

how you always hung our head low before giving your best smiles.

Someone's silhouette reminds me of the way you stood tall

with your own little solar system surrounding you.

I see a man's rage and remember your patience,

I come  home with stories and talk to my friends

but then i lay in the dark and try to imagine how you would've replied.

after every long day, i go back to your voice to tune out every other noise,

go back to your words, like a mourner paying visit to a graveyard.

​

All my lovers would have to learn your name to understand my heart

To get it right with another soul, I'd have to unlearn how right it felt with you.

It would be another long battle to erase you from all my wishful fantasies,

to let down my walls and to have someone learn all my cracks and creases.

For once in my life, I wish my memory was as dull as my luck with love

just so I wouldn't have to see pieces of you in everyone I meet.

(The end....?)

I've never thought twice before bleeding on paper

But somehow laying my words down before you feels more pathetic

Than laying my life down at someone's feet.

I miss your name at the top of my list.

I still talk to you when the stars fall asleep.

I didn't even have the courage to meet your eyes in broad daylight

But I had the sense to leave before I let the sight of you break me again,

Maybe your little secret has finally learned to remember her place.

When I close my eyes, I still see us lying on the steps of Adoration.

Your thumb like a bird's feather against my knee,

When I had dared to let my fingers fumble with only an edge of your sleeve

The first and only time we were ever so close.

When I was kicking up a storm, you pulled me down with your eyes

When I get restless, I still think about it sometimes.

You probably don't remember much from those nights

and you probably saw far more beautiful sunrises with her

and I know that's when we took the wrong turn

But I had never had someone else's words to keep me company

in the dark before.

One, two, three nights when I could close my eyes and slip into an illusion

With your voice in my ears, without any interruptions.

The vice should've lingered in louder volumes in my mind

But I only remember every bit of our muffled laughters and blatant truths,

If I could get them back and lock them up in a box for keepsake, I would.

I wish I had more to remember you by

Anything and everything to keep you off my mind,

Yet, you're everywhere.

The pink cotton candy we once shared on the street

The colour green and the brown of your eyes

when the sunlight used to cascade over your face by the window.

You loved the rain and stormy weather and full moons.

Your taste in music that I never understood,

But now got stuck with me like a bad habit.

Mars bars stacked in counters of grocery stores.

I almost hate you for giving me so little to grasp onto

But then again, you never gave me the right to ask for anything more.

All I have is two pages of scribbled apology

Only a couple of pictures where our faces are inside the same frame,

Only a couple of rare, tentative moments

when we dared to acknowledge each other's presence in the same room,

when I had the privilege to be the one you cared to lay your eyes on

and all our words on screen, a complete mess of a story

where we had built a secret little world of our own.

It's enough until I remember she has always had more of you,

Assumptions are assumptions until it becomes a loop of predictions

Hope feels like sunlight until it leaves you drowning in the dark,

It almost feels like love until you realise you are harbouring a stolen,

watered down version of something you can never reach, even on your tiptoes.

Sometimes I wonder if it was ever something more

than just a made up mess of unresolved emotions for you,

The night I left, I wonder if you lost a little piece of your heart too

You were always too humble to do the right thing and break my heart for good.

I think I did you a huge favour, relieving my weight off of your chest

I know all too well that I took a good man and ruined him

and the guilt would follow me to my grave.

The worst part is that I fear I would fall again

If you ever decide to change your heart and ask to start again,

I fear I would forever be a little lost looking for a clone of your soul,

Forever be a little bit yours and carry this bruise within my bones.

How do you know it's over? // Fuck the Fates

“Go back until there is nothing to go back to”

“Let it hurt until it doesn't anymore”

I guess those miserable people on the internet were right.

You know it's over when those rare moments of sunshine

doesn't feel like a gold rush anymore.

When you fall back into old habits and go to sleep unbothered

When it's finally just an unpledged, weightless practice,

merely a convenient loop of friendship and lust and corrupted notions.

When it finally doesn't hurt anymore.

Maybe it ended on some random Wednesday

on some oblivious moment,

lost in the heartsick records of those six months sans contact,

and it was only the ghost of a memory,

or some strange deluded homesickness I was nursing.

Only needed two afternoons of forthright rambling for it to finally sink in.

It's my signature move, to fall in love and cling to it

like my life's work. But this time I'll let it go.

Let my fingers loosen their desperate grip,

Let my heart rest for a while before it runs after another love.

(Fuck it, I'm tired.)

Next time I fall in love, I hope to God it doesn't make me bleed on paper again.

I hope it's easy as breathing, loud and unashamed,

Too simple to make for a story.

Maybe in another universe, it's you, it's me, it's us.

(But is it?) (Nah, I don't think so.)

I'm built for a softer story, maybe you really were never my type.

It's just your dick and your words and your power over me

and the way you are sick in the head the same way as I am.

Fuck the Fates, I know you're not the love of my life.

Once two people strip down to the worst, most wretched versions of themselves,

barely out of an insatiable hunger,

There's no way back.

Sometimes, too much history ruins every chance of a sweeter future.

If we are only built for this nameless, twisted, bittersweet little thing,

Then let it be.

I'll play by your rules and use you for the same damn reasons

Until I have better places to invest my time and desire.

Maybe, for the first time since we've met

We're finally on the same page.

5:3666

I think a tiny​​, stifled part of me still hopes

At least some tiny, stifled part of you loved me back,

Still loves me back, would love me back

For a minute, for a second, for half a heartbeat.

If you ever asked for me, I would turn you down,

Your worst is what I know best.

But I swear we exist together, in the same love story

Somewhere in a parallel universe, in a different life.

A part of me would always wonder

Why I could never be the one you choose to love.

A part of me would always crave reciprocation

Even if I didn't say yes,

A part of me would always wish you had asked for me.

Three nights in April

April 21st, 22nd and 26th.

I don't expect you to remember

Half or any of the things we had talked about.

For you, there were probably

mindless conversations in the dark

Leading to a mistake.

You needed a friend

to hear you out,

You needed a whore to feed your ego,

So I did.

But God knows, those three nights

changed the trajectory of my life.

Remember correctly,

I was not in love with you, yet

As it was claimed.

But I remember sitting with my lights out

and thinking my whole room was lit up

with the sound of your voice on the other side.

I was not in love, yet

As I had myself convinced

But you talked

and for once, for once

the voices in my head fell silent

And listened.

Your tireless, unfiltered rant

Every confession, every admission

Like layers peeling off

of the surface of your illusions.

Do you know I'm rarely a good listener?

But three nights, for you, I was

I was glad to be

the one to know your complaints and vulnerabilities.

Do you remember calling me beautiful until I believed you?

Do you remember I had cried and you had let me,

Until I was ready to laugh at your stupid jokes again?

I had told you I was hard to love, but you had told me I was wrong,

That I was only complicated, with magnitudes

and it was not my fault if people couldn't handle it.

(But you could, you knew how to love me

Before I had to start begging you to do so.)

“You're a responsibility, not a liability. There's a difference.”

"Because I met you, Auritry Shahrin.”

“If I'm still here, and I'm willing to risk it all,

Just to keep you in my life, that must mean something, right?”

Right?

People ask me why

I fell in love

with a disaster like you.

Those three nights,

if not everything else,

were reason enough.

I couldn't see my own fingers

in the dark

as I listened to you talk,

But I felt seen

and understood

Maybe for the first time in my life.

You let me into your head

and I thought,

I've been here before,

It feels a bit like the inside of mine.

You rambled on and I thought

I could listen to him forever.

You know what the funny thing is?

I am supposed to remember the crime in vivid detail.

To you, maybe the crime was the only thing worth remembering.

But I can barely recall the hours

When everything was a mess of ragged breaths and fabricated fantasy.

I do remember feeling the rope of guilt tightening around my neck the first time,

Knowing I was stepping in front of the firing squad with my eyes open for suicide

Knowing I was doomed from the moment you whispered her name on accident.

I do remember realising we were past sunrise only after the end of the first time.

I remember feeling weightless, and empty, and lost in confusion

With tiny beads of hope wrapping around my heart.

But I don't remember any of the lines, or words

Not any of the roles you wanted us to play pretend,

Not how it started, not how it ended, not how it felt.

The second time is even foggier in my memory.

I remember thinking it was inevitable, it was a willing mistake.

I remember glimpses and flashes, and nothing else.

But I do remember how it felt.

My walls remember everything, I swear you were there

Not in my ears, but in my bed, on the floor, with me, it was real

With your hands on my skin and your breath on the crook of my neck.

I remember thinking this is more than the carnal delinquency of it,

This is real, you were real, my ceiling still remembers the shape of you.

But I remember nothing else.

Three nights,

probably just three among thousands

for you.

But for me,

they changed everything.

They were

Everything.

If I had to spend my life's savings to get those three nights back

Or maybe just hours of recording of our conversations,

I would be a girl with empty pockets

Just to know it wasn't a dream, just to feel real with you again.

They say your life flashes before your eyes for seven minutes before you die.

I swear I would hear your voice from April 21st, 22nd and 26th.

I swear I'd see you smile with the heat of the sun on your back

Before my clock runs out.

I swear I'd be able to recall everything from those three nights, all over again.

Hypocrite

I wish I could crack your skull open like a robin's egg

Just so I could witness the mechanisms of your mind

Your reasons, your justifications, your arguments

How do you deal with your share of the guilt and forgive yourself?

How do you feel and not feel, love and not love, lie and not lie to yourself?

Guilt, Shame, Remorse, I feel in multitudes, maybe even more than you do

But my heart is sealed shut, I can't be vulnerably honest even if I tried,

With every inflicted wound, I only shrug on another layer of armour

Confessions and candor never made a difference,

Feigned nonchalance and cheap sarcasm are my only defense.

(You don't get it, do you?)

(Not the Shahrin you know?)

(Did I ever know you at all, Zar?)

You blow off every unspoken chance I give you 

To make the decision to be a better man,

(You used to be the best I ever met, now you're easily the worst.)

(That's why it still hurts. How could I be so wrong?)

You seek comfort in knowing we're both the same,

All your vain attempts to justify your sins

Believing us to be equals on the scale of judgment.

Hypocritical of me to hate the criminal when I'm the crime,

But I'd rather die than pledge myself to someone in all honesty

and then lie to their face every day.

Hypocritical of me to hate the criminal when I'm the crime,

But only if you could understand, all I want is for you to refuse me

Turn me down and turn away from your lies.

I don't need you to be mine, I just need to know I wasn't wrong,

I just need to know you really are the man I once chose to love,

I just need to know I wasn't naive for believing you to be good,

I don't want you to stay, rather the complete opposite.

Don't you get it? Haven't you been listening? Are you reading this?

Quit it.

Pick up your phone and tell me it's over, you don't want this anymore.

It's your decision to make, pick the right answer, cut me off.

It doesn't have to go on, you don't have to keep making the same mistake.

For my sake or yours, leave and don't leave the door open

Walk out and draw the bolts and throw the keys.

Set the house on fire and never look back, I wouldn't blame you for a second.

I would gladly go down with the ashes and live in the ruins as ghost, alone.

​

120 Degrees

Where would I have been

If I hadn't noticed the cast on your wrist

after you had decided to do Push-Ups with your friends in the rain,

If I hadn't offered to volunteer as a substitute on September 19th,

If I hadn't confessed on November 23rd and agreed to go on as friends,

If I had stopped the facade and went to sleep on April 22nd

If I had picked up your call on 8th May, for the Third time,

If I hadn't been the bigger liar on July 13th at Signature,

If I hadn't left?

Where would I have been

If we had met each other six months earlier

Or my seat was assigned next to yours,

If I caught your attention before she did,

If we had steered our conversations onto a safer track

and walked on cleaner grounds and tried to fall in love

Not like heathens, but the way normal people do,

Would I still have thought you're a man born of fiction?

Would we have stood a chance in the hands of fate?

If we met under different circumstances,

in a different place, in a different crowd

Would it have been you and me?

Would it have been me you choose, every single time, despite everything?

Would it have been me you choose to lie to, over and over again?

Would my mother still have thought you're the right answer for me?

​

The end.

Maybe it's better that it wasn't me you chose to love

That way, it's not me who is getting brutally lied to,

But I think I would've preferred being the one to be fooled by your sincere lies,

The one who has the right to have every version of you, and not just the worst

Even it meant to be robbed of all truth in the end,

Than be the girl you only remember when you want to let your demons win.

When you lose the last bits of admiration and warmth,

When you feel drained and nauseous before you feel the butterflies,

When you would rather die than put your faith on their loyalty

Yet, would take a bullet for them any day,

Do you call it love, or devotion, or something else?

Can you still call it love if there is no trust, or hope, or dignity?

Can you call it love if you still spend your nights cursing yourself

asking your ceiling why it couldn't be you, why it had to be you?

Can you call it love if you're desensitised, but only to survive

and it only feels real when you're talking to God?

Can you call it love if you only love the version of them that exists in the past?

Can you call it love if you hate them, too?

Once upon a time, you used to surpass all my hopeful expectations

But now all you do is fit right into the frames of my worst assumptions.

I loved you when we understand each other,

When I could read you like my favourite poem, memorised by heart

But now all I do is make you despise yourself,

You'd never know how much I resent myself for that.

I apologise for every single time, I forgive you for all of it.

Every apology you owed me, every debt, every liability, I set you free

I demand nothing, It's all yours to keep remember forget.

Winter is a bad time for us, we fall off like leaves, crushed under our feet.

I miss the summer I spent with you​​, even though it had the heat of hell.

An easy and honest confession: I miss you. Badly, so.

I've missed you for a long while, it has been a long time since I talked

To the boy I fell in love with, my best friend in college. You're not him.)

(I know you still don't get it, not really.)

I lied to myself, my friends and you, time and time again.

I looked for excuses to ask you to call it quits, came up with a lie.

I haven't been honest anywhere but here, between my words.

Damn it if it made me pathetic, miserable or repulsive.

Between the two of us, only one had their heart at stake,

So if I am to stand in trial and asked for verdict

I would state my only reason and confess my crimes.

(You know the reason. You have always known. And yet...)

I did all I could, I know I couldn't have done any more.

Even if I had anything more to give, it wouldn't have made a difference.

I've loved you till the end,

And here you go, this is

                                       The end.